One night a police officer was staking out
a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the laws pertaining
to DWI.
At closing time, a number of slightly inebriated people weaved
out of the bar, potential suspects all, but then one came out
who had the officer rubbing his hands in anticipation. The fellow
stumbled out of the bar, tripped on the curb, and tried his keys
on five different cars before he found his own. Then he sat in
the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
It took him so long that, even though he was the first to leave
the bar that night, he was the last to leave the parking lot.
Finally he was able to start his car, and he began to pull away.
The officer was waiting. He followed the car for a while, then
he pulled the driver over, read him his rights, and administered
a Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The
puzzled officer started to take down his details anyway, just
to record the case. The moment he began, however, the driver sobered
up, instantly and totally.
"Name?" "My name is Reginald Roger Smith III"
"Occupation?" "I am a professional decoy."
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders
three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking
a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes
back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after
I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin.
When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to
remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it
there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks
the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars
notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the
second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude
on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great
loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in
his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he, says, "everyone's
fine. I've just quit drinking."
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the
Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician
allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows
each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after
all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found
himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with, of
course, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day and another and another.
After a week the parrot finally spoke, "OK, I give up. Where's
the boat?"